5 Funny Christmas Sites to Help You Through the Holiday Season

It's all fun and games until... well, Christmas is just fun and games. When it comes to the holidays, humor wins. A Christmas Story. The Grinch. Scrooged. These were funny Christmas movies, and if life imitates art, then maybe finding some humor in our own lives would help us through this recession-filled holiday season. Here's a list of funny Christmas websites to help you through this miserable season. They help us, anyway.

1. Sketchy Santas. This site is hysterical, and if you learn any one thing, you'll learn quickly that Santa actually looks pretty mean.

2. Funny Christmas Photos. This site is full of funny Christmas photos, and even some raunchy ones down bottom. Our kind of stuff.

3. Funny Tiger Woods Christmas Picture. Tiger Woods, after they made up. Great photo, lovin' it.

4. This Funny Christmas Video...


5. Our Funny Christmas T-Shirts. Yup, we are they place to go for the holiday season to find yourself a funny, raunchy yuletide tee, or find the perfect inappropriate/funny Christmas t-shirt.

Your Ugly Sweater Guide

Getting ready for an ugly sweater party is easy.

Step 1: Find an ugly sweater.

Look to the lower end stores in your area, like JC Penney, Kmart or Sears. A consignment store, like a Salvation Army outlet, is good too. Look for most painful sweater you can find. Think cats pawing at snowflakes and overly cute Christmas bears doing lame things. Sweaters that button in the front are great. Don't pay a lot for this, cause of our next step.

Step 2: Modify the shirt to make it epic.

OK, you have your ugly Christmas sweater. Time to take it to the next level. You really have three options: lights, wreathes or a bow. The best way to upgrade your garment is to wire a string of lights into the sweater and make them battery powered. Flashing multi-colored lights are better.

Another option is to buy a real wreath and attach it to the back of your sweater. Your last option is adding a big bow, with some kind of flourish of sparkle or garland to add effect. To achieve the holy trinity at Christmas, modify your sweater with all three: a wreath and a box and lights!

Step 3: Add a cape.

The bigger the better. Every Christmas party needs a dude in a cape.

Step 4: Add th

e props.

Nothing adds to your sweater more than a prop. Have an sweater with kittens playing in snow? Carry around a stuff kitten or puppy. Can't hurt with the ladies.

Step 5: Get the pose ready.

Any self-respecting ugly Christmas sweater party will have a photo op wall on the way in, to take a picture of all the great sweaters being worn. Go to the mirror in your bathroom and practice your pose for this photo. Play up whatever theme you are working in your sweater, and be ready to nail the pose at photo time.

Step 6: Party!

Can't find the perfect ugly Christmas sweater? Check out the epic one we designed. We also had loads of funny Christmas shirts.

Why are Y'all Causin' Such a Raucous About Saying Merry ChriFSMas? The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the Reason for the Season...

"Words, words, words. They're just words, people. Don't be mouthin' at me that y'all don't wanna hear people shoutin' 'Merry ChriFSMas.' It's my FSM given right to say that to anyone I want to without worryin' 'bout 'fendin somebody."

How many times have you heard something like this uttered on the news, from a friend, or worried about offending someone because you don't want to seem "too preachy?" The time has come that we need to be less 'fended and take back our holiday.

The lighting of our ChriFSMas trees, the annual ChriFSMas specials on TV, our traditions are being stripped of us one by one. We here at No Pants Tees say NO.
NO!
No to people taking away our FSM given rights.

And we say, YES to telling a neighbor, "Merry ChriFSMas."
Telling a friend, "Merry ChriFSMas."
Yes to to telling your ardently strict Roman Catholic neighbor, "Merry ChriFSMas."

Let's start taking back our day.



Read more about our savior at the The Church of the Flying Spahgetti Monster. There's still time for redemption, because FSM saves.

The Christmas Mascot That Didn't Make The Cut

Most people think Sinterklass is the most famous Christmas Mascot that didn't make Macy Corp's cut for best holiday gift purchasing inducement.

No true. That crazy little top hatted bastard doesn't top the list of the worst Christmas mascot ever. Not even the real Saint Nicholas fits the bill.

The real epic Christmas mascot that didn't make the cut was Frank the Rainbow Christmas Turtle. This little dude was great: multicolored, festively hatted and kid friendly. Who doesn't like turtles, right?

The MBA types from the "Frank Camp" pushed hard in the Macy's strategy meeting to argue that this gift giving turtle was the key to spurring sales. The traditions with Frank are easy: he would deliver gifts wrapped not in paper like some suggested, but in fake egg shaped boxes, left around the house in little nests built of dead leaves and decaying plankton.

To thank Frank for stopping by kids would be encouraged to leave plates full of dead insects and slimy lily pads. The trail of beetle legs left on the counter from a clean plate would reassure wonder-eyed kids in the morning that Frank was here, and he laid eggs all over the house!

And it's much easier to believe that a magical turtle can manage to lay a few hundred million gift eggs in the homes across America than a fat old white man pulled by a sleigh of stoned reindeer through the air.

But alas, tragedy struck. The Saint Nick camp won the argument, and Macy's created our modern Santa Claus, that judgmental fat white bastard with a midget fetish.

Merry Christmas!

Older Men Get Their Time in the Spotlight as Jackals

Cougars have had their time in the spotlight, but the time is right now for Jackals to step into the fold. What's that? A Jackal, quite simply, is the male version of a Cougar. Think about it. They've got the cash, they've got the experience, the cars, the house, the wealth, the prestige... there are plenty of advantages to snagging a Jackal for yourself.

Want to catch a Jackal for yourself? Sure! And what would we be if we didn't help you with the process? Here are three ways you can try to pick up a Jackal:

1. Become a secretary. Secretaries have the ultimate vantage point to scope out everyone in a high profile business that comes through the doors. Hit on clients, customers, coworkers, you name it. The world is your oyster -- or jackal.

2. Online dating. Easy, easy, easy way to score yourself a Jackal. Imagine the thrill of a 45 year old man snagging up a younger woman? He'll be delighted, and you'll have plenty to choose from.

3. Hit the Elks Lodge bar, the local Knights of Columbus, or the Bingo Hall for veteran Jackals. These guys have MEGA experience. Be in for the time of your life, ladies, watch out!

Not everyone qualifies to be a Jackal. If you're over 40, there's potential. BUT... you must meet some light criteria. What? Read here for more information on the male version of the cougar, the Jackal, and beat the trends by scoring yourself one of these dudes.

Welcome To No Pants Tees!

The home of our new blog. The old blog is still here, but we won't be posting there any more.

The Simpsons Are Funny

When I was in college The Simpsons was on three times a day: 5 PM, 7:30 PM and 11 PM. If you were home early you could catch the 5 PM. The 7:30 was a great way to get the evening started, and the 11 PM was nightcap.

Some great episodes

Rosebud, season 5: Inspired by one of the movie industry's greatest achievements, this episode follows Burns in his effort to reclaim the toy bear from his youth.

That episode where Homer goes into the portal behind the book case and becomes 3D. Fucking classic. The end of the episode when he's in our dimension, and looks all scared at gawking humans is so creepy it's amazing. It's kind of like breaking the fourth wall for animated crap.

And that other cool episode that I can't remember the name of (Google don't fail me now!), but it was about the mob and it was cut into segements and maybe was an homage to Reservoir Dogs? They had a scene were the police chief was like, lets go all CSI on that coke can, from the coke cans perspective. It was a great episode.

Too much is too much

I didn't see the movie. I haven't seen an episode in like six seasons. I can't imagine how it could be relevant. I mean, House (crazy House) and The Office (Jim and Pam are happy!) both jumped the shark after just 6 seasons!

I mean, there are too many fucking episodes on this page to be for reals, yo, etc, ad nasuem. If we decided to rent this show on DVD to catch up, it would take a month of non-stop viewing: no showers, no work, no sleeping. Ick.

The Greatest Moment of All

The best Simpsons moment for me was the episode where Homer gets replaced by a German agent and the family clearly knows this has happened, but isn't too concerned. The double takes Marge out for a "reasonably priced steak dinner followed by an evening of efficient German sex" and Marge agrees saying, "A night out'sa night out." That kills me ever time I see it.

The Leftorium

So to celebrate the Simpsons we made a shirt for Ned's Springfield Mall business, the Leforium. Cause leftys have rights too!

Drunk Of The Irish: Famous Irish Wannabe Drunks

Lots of people make fun of the Irish for drinking. Hell, I'm Irish and half my uncles are drunks and half my aunts are addicted to heroin. It's the Irish way, really. No wonder that so many non-Irish want drink a lot to seem Irish, to capture and redefine Irishness, to own it, to control it to elevate it's meaning on a personal and spiritual plane.

So here are the top 5 Irish wannabe drunks:

Number 5: Ulysses S. Grant.

Our 18th POTUS, this drunkard blasted (get it?) his way through the South's army, rather sloppily at first. His two terms in office were so corrupt and rife with favor politics that the term Grantism emerged as a synonym to corruption. This guy put Harding to shame.

Number 4: Joseph Stalin.

Our first true sociopath on the list, Stalin was the dictator of the Russian Imperial Empire from 1922 to 1953 and was the arguably the most successful mass murderer in planetary history. He was also the son of and an inebriate himself.

Totally insane, this ass killed everyone around him and consumed the creative and economic output of an entire people for decades, ultimately proving that Russian communism was nothing more than a petty kleptocracy.

Number 3: Stephen King.

This guy was doing so many drugs that his family sat him down and covered the floor with all the junk he was on: from booze to pills to pot. This little red neck from Maine knew how to party. At least he spent the 80s the right way: absolutely potted and fearing Reaganism.

Number 2: Your Mom!

Ever wonder why she wouldn't pick you up after 6 PM when you were a kid? Did you start to notice your friend's moms weren't so glossy eyed in the evening but your always was? Did your Dad have weary eyes of complacency?

Wait, your mom can't be on this list. She's Irish. Duh.

Number 1: John Daly.

This guy is kick ass. Just look at one of his quotes:

"Seems I used to do everything like I was on a mission. If it was alcohol, I wanted to drink till I couldn't see straight. If it was golf, I wanted to beat everybody's brains out. If it was driving, I can get there faster'n you can... I was stubborn as hell. I had no direction."

Bloated, blasted and baleful. Christ, this guys wants to be a legendary drunk. He has this amazing gift but he just throws it away so he can drink more Jack Daniels. What an ass.

Be sure to show your Irish drinking pride with our Breakfast of Champions shirt and Irish Step Dance shirt.

Be proud, be drunk, be Irish.

The 10 Funniest Halloween Shirts Online, Anywere

Halloween is an odd little holiday. Children dress up as pop culture icons and go around begging for candy from strangers, via their front door. Lots of begging, eating and vomitting. Also, as you get older, you don't dress up; instead, you go around throwing tiolet paper on lawns. I'm not sure what the point of that is.

Still older, you spend Halloween at parties, involving more and more alcohol and more and more slutty customes on women as the years go by until your late twenties. At this point your life is probably over cause you have little shits of your own that you have to dress up. Time for a nap.

Anyway, to the shirts! Here are the best Halloween shirts I could find in the little time I spend each morning actually working:

Number 10: Zombie Dance!

You can dance if you want to, you can dance, dance, dance all night. Do the dance, if you can dance, dance with the zombies tonight.

Cool shirt, kind of harks back to Thriller- maybe that was intentional?

Number 9: Porn Star Costume

I like this shirt because it reminds me of breasts. Not huge breasts, but the nicely sized, perky round one that are fun to play with, relax on and take pictures of to upload to Internet.

Number 8: Three Wolf Moon Shirt

Hitting the #1 slot on Amazon.com apparel is nothing for nerd cred. Having Dwight wear it on an episode of the Office is huge. The shirt is a white trash image of three wolves howling at the moon. Take one part funny Amazon.com review plus one posting on CollegeHumor and you've got yourselves a killer shirt.

Number 7: I Don't Do Costumes But I Might Do You

This one is classy all the way. Make your feelings clear to the ladies, and let your looks do the rest.

Number 6: I'm A Slut (For Halloween)

Guess what? If you wear this shirt, it's not just on Halloween.

Number 5: My Boo

Our first shirt on the list.

Number 4: Your Candy Is Down Here

Just look with your face and you will find it. Down there. In my pants. Just take off the pants and jacket.

Number 3: Instant Mummy Costume

The cheap and easy to remove Halloween costume for the hurried.

Number 2: Scared Stiff

This ghost is having a good day.

Number 1: The Secret of Candy Corn

I always wondered how they made candy corn. Now I know!

Bonus! Watch for our upcoming Squidoo lens, where we will cover Halloween in greater depth.

Bonus bonus! I like True Blood -- mostly because there are classy tits -- but I really dislike Twilight. It was the worst movie ever. Decide for your self!