Drunk Of The Irish: Famous Irish Wannabe Drunks

Lots of people make fun of the Irish for drinking. Hell, I'm Irish and half my uncles are drunks and half my aunts are addicted to heroin. It's the Irish way, really. No wonder that so many non-Irish want drink a lot to seem Irish, to capture and redefine Irishness, to own it, to control it to elevate it's meaning on a personal and spiritual plane.

So here are the top 5 Irish wannabe drunks:

Number 5: Ulysses S. Grant.

Our 18th POTUS, this drunkard blasted (get it?) his way through the South's army, rather sloppily at first. His two terms in office were so corrupt and rife with favor politics that the term Grantism emerged as a synonym to corruption. This guy put Harding to shame.

Number 4: Joseph Stalin.

Our first true sociopath on the list, Stalin was the dictator of the Russian Imperial Empire from 1922 to 1953 and was the arguably the most successful mass murderer in planetary history. He was also the son of and an inebriate himself.

Totally insane, this ass killed everyone around him and consumed the creative and economic output of an entire people for decades, ultimately proving that Russian communism was nothing more than a petty kleptocracy.

Number 3: Stephen King.

This guy was doing so many drugs that his family sat him down and covered the floor with all the junk he was on: from booze to pills to pot. This little red neck from Maine knew how to party. At least he spent the 80s the right way: absolutely potted and fearing Reaganism.

Number 2: Your Mom!

Ever wonder why she wouldn't pick you up after 6 PM when you were a kid? Did you start to notice your friend's moms weren't so glossy eyed in the evening but your always was? Did your Dad have weary eyes of complacency?

Wait, your mom can't be on this list. She's Irish. Duh.

Number 1: John Daly.

This guy is kick ass. Just look at one of his quotes:

"Seems I used to do everything like I was on a mission. If it was alcohol, I wanted to drink till I couldn't see straight. If it was golf, I wanted to beat everybody's brains out. If it was driving, I can get there faster'n you can... I was stubborn as hell. I had no direction."

Bloated, blasted and baleful. Christ, this guys wants to be a legendary drunk. He has this amazing gift but he just throws it away so he can drink more Jack Daniels. What an ass.

Be sure to show your Irish drinking pride with our Breakfast of Champions shirt and Irish Step Dance shirt.

Be proud, be drunk, be Irish.